The Case of Bresha Meadows

15 Year Old Bresha Meadows

I recently came across the case of 15 year old Bresha Meadows, the Ohio girl accused of killing her father last July.  Bresha's case received international attention after she shot her father, whom multiple family members describe as an extremely violent man who abused his wife and their children for years.  After spending the last ten months in jail, Bresha accepted a plea deal today that will allow her to be transferred to a mental health facility, avoid further jail time and be eligible for release early next year.  

In too many cases, victims of domestic violence are punished for defending themselves and there are scores

of women currently serving long sentences for killing their abusers.   Many women who kill their abusive partners fear for their lives on a daily basis and retaliate in a last-ditch effort to save themselves or their children. Bresha's mother Brandi, recalled years of abuse witnessed by her children and the fear that one day her husband would kill them all:

"In the 17 years of our marriage, he has cut me, broke my ribs, fingers, the blood vessels in my hand, my mouth, blackened my eyes.  I believe my nose was broken," Brandi Meadows wrote. "If he finds us, I am 100 percent syre he will kill me and the children.  My life is like living in a box he created for me and if I stepped out of that box he was there to put me back in." ~ Bresha's Mother, Brandi Meadows  

Statistics show that an overwhelming majority of girls in the criminal justice system are exposed to, or victims of family violence, whether physical or sexual in nature.  These girls are then left with mental health issues that often go untreated, perpetuating a cycle of victimization, substance use and imprisonment that follows them into adulthood. Its a well known fact that childhood abuse begins a pathway that can lead to violence and incarceration and Bresha's case highlights an extreme example of the outcomes these girls could be facing.

Bresha's case also highlights the need for trauma-informed responses to "criminal" behaviors like running away and other coping mechanisms abused girls employ.  Our first response for these girls should not be arrest and incarceration, but interventions that begin to heal the wounds they are living with.  Although Bresha will be going home soon, she will no doubt require intensive therapy and support as she begins to restart her life.  It's up to us to make sure that these girls receive the support they need as they attempt to undo the effects of the trauma they have experienced.        

How Did We Get Here?

When and how did we get to the place where a teenager is killed in a bathroom over a boy and people stand there and record it?  Seriously.  When.  More importantly, HOW?

When I first read about the incident in Delaware, I couldn't even think about it or write anything because its something so close to home that the thought of it is sickening.  Close to where I live, close to what I do and close in age to my own daughter who comes home everyday with stories about what its like to be a girl in her school.  To hear about someone actually losing their life this way is beyond anything one could imagine.

There is much more going on here than just some boy.  In most cases, the issue at the forefront is just the outcome of whats bubbling under the surface and for girls this age, it usually centers around themselves and the people around them.  The way they feel about themselves and how those feelings are impacted by the perceptions of others.  Their lives at home.  Their relationships with important people or the absence of important people in their lives.  The presence of stress and pressure.  The pressure to be like everyone else which is so strong and can only be countered by love from home that many of them do not get.  

Everyone in this situation needs help.  Amy's parents, her friends, the girls behind the attack, their parents and friends, the boy involved, EVERYONE.  Children are losing their lives to violence and incarceration OVER NOTHING.  I try my best to tell my daughter how the choices she makes now can impact the rest of her life but many girls have no one to tell them this.  

WHAT CAN WE DO?  There is no time to waste.  Things are getting worse and worse everyday and every time we hear a story like this it seems the details get crazier.  Have you had success with conflict resolution for girls?  What's your approach?  What do you think is behind the recent spikes in violence among girls?  

Quick Tip: Let Them Talk

A few weeks ago, two young girls were referred to me during their pediatric visit at the clinic.  The girls are sisters, 17 and 13 and they recently came from Jamaica to live here with their father.  Their mother stayed. The doctor called me over to help the father get into some literacy classes, however, it was the girls who actually needed the attention.

After quick meetings with the girls, they opened up to me, sharing very personal feelings and emotions that seemed to be held in for a long time.  After several repeat visits, their physician remarked on how quickly they bonded with me and asked how did I do it.  The answer is simple.  I let them talk.

A lot of times, families are hectic.  Parents are away at work and sometimes school, and when they are at home, they're tired and not always available for a heart to heart.  Mothers and fathers are absent in many families, leaving girls without a main source of support during a very challenging time.  For many of them, you will be one of the few people who takes a genuine interest in their life.

There are also many, many things that girls need to talk about that they feel they cannot discuss with their parents and its not just sex.  There may be family issues and secrets they can't ask about or feelings about a parent that they cannot express at home.  My goal is always to be that adult that a young person can discuss any and everything with. I simply let them talk while asking key questions to guide the session and actively listening and engaging with them in a calm and easygoing manner.  You'd be surprised at how much information you can get this way.

I've found that if given the opportunity, most young girls like to talk about themselves; about their goals and dreams and the things that make them happy.  When finally given the chance, they seem to open up in front of my eyes, they are free to relax and easy to motivate.  It often takes longer to engage girls dealing with trauma, but allowing them the chance to talk about other things in their life builds trust that will eventually help them open up completely.

Working with young girls can be tough but it is truly rewarding.  By becoming the person they feel comfortable with you are providing much needed guidance and motivation during a very challenging time in their lives.

Basic Areas of Concern for Teen Girls

Working with teens can be difficult.  You know this if you work in a school, group home, detention center or other agency that serves adolescents.  Young people are dealing with so much these days, so many choices, decisions and pressures that shape their feelings about themselves and the world around them.


Teenage girls can be an especially challenging group to reach, as girls are faced with a different set of pressures that affect almost all of the choices they make.

In practice, I've found some success in reaching young women and I've noticed a few key areas that seem to have the biggest impacts on their lives.  When working with them its been helpful for me to have basic knowledge of the following:

1. Parents & Siblings: What is the current status (and history) of relationships with parents and siblings, in the home or outside? 
2. Stability: Have living arrangements and important relationships been stable over time?   
3. Connection with Mother: Is the relationship with mom tense or supportive? Close-knit or estranged?  Is Mom even around at all?
4. Sexual History: Is the client sexually active now or in the past?  Is she in a serious relationship?
5. View of Self: How does she feel about herself in terms of self-esteem, self-efficacy, self-confidence and level of self-awareness? 
6. Present/Past or Future Orientation:  Are past issues dominating her present feelings? Is she able to see herself in the future?  Does she feel positive about her place in the world?

All of these pieces affect and are affected by each other to form the whole person.  Deficiencies in these areas tend to show themselves in internalizing behaviors such as depression, anxiety and somatic complaints and externalizing behaviors such as fighting/aggressiveness, sexual promiscuity and vulnerability to unhealthy relationships.  Being aware of these major areas of concern will assist with diagnosis and addressing the presenting problems.

Successful interactions with teenage girls will require more than knowledge of the above, the most important piece of the puzzle is YOU! Are you the type of adult that a young girl feels she can confide in?  What makes you different than her parents and other adults that she doesn't trust?  How can she be sure that you have her best interests at heart?  Here are a few ways to become the adult that the kids on your caseload need: 

• Remember your own time as a teenager: Fully remember the thoughts, feelings and pressures you were facing.  
• Realize they are not adults: Understand that they do not process things the way you do.
• Resist the urge to parent: They are not your kids so don't treat them as such.
• Recognize their need for autonomy: A teen's sense of control over their own life has a strong impact on the decisions they make.  
• Reinforce their strengths: Help them see how special they are regardless of their history or current circumstances.

These are just some of the things that have worked for me.  What works for you?

I Can't Be Your Mom

Everyone has a population that they prefer.  Whether its seniors, teens, women or boys, for most social workers there is one specific group that we feel we have the most impact on and for me, its teenage girls.  I have a real soft spot for them.  I know what its like to face the trials of being a girl, the pressures of sex and relationships, trying to learn how to be a woman in a society that devalues womanhood and how to be the best version of yourself when you still don't even know who you are. Its a wild ride and its also the time when girls can make choices that stay with them for the rest of their lives.

One of my clients, a 15 year old pregnant girl who nae-nae'd into my life last year had a meltdown last night; crying and screaming my name in the clinic lobby.  Last year, she and her girlfriend came to the clinic after said girlfriend missed her period following a threesome at a friends house the week before.

She was 12.

The girlfriend has since been shipped out of state, after a three month stay in the local psych hospital, leaving my client to walk the streets alone, one more person taken out of her life.

She doesn't know her mother and lives with her father who is an alcoholic.   Before the pregnancy, she fought all the time, landing her in a disciplinary school and in and out of court.  Everything that can be crazy in a teenager's life is happening to her everyday but the thing about it is that she is SMART.  She communicates her feelings well, understands how to navigate the system and seems like she really wants her life to be different, to be better.

Since the day we met, I can feel how she feels about me.  I can see it when she looks at me, when she tells me how much I mean to her.  She shines when she is with me.  The trouble is that I can only do so much.

Its understandable how she feels.  When no one seems to care about you and you meet someone who does, its a natural reaction to cling to them.   I can tell that around me she can be different than she has ever been.  She can let her guard down.  She doesn't have to be hard or tough, she can be who she really is: a scared 15 year old girl, with no one to care about her and her life.  I can't imagine what it must feel like to be alone in this world at her age.  For the hour or so that she's with me, she can laugh and relax and hope and just...be.

We all know that social work is not easy.  Not just because of the paperwork, or the long hours, or all the other stuff we might complain about.  Its tough because these are people with problems and we can only do so much.  I can't be her mother.  I wish her life were different.  I wish her mothers life had been different.  I wish all the mothers out there had different lives so they could step up and do what their daughters need them to do.  But I can only do so much and sometimes I wonder if its enough.